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I have tried online dating and it's never worked and I figured out that for me, the spark has to come before the first date, in a no-pressure in-person setting, for the relationship to be viable. All of my partners started out as coworkers or friends.
I need to see them in a situation where they're not focused on me, not trying to impress me, not trying to assess me. Same here but unless you are getting yourself out there in hobbies etc you never meet anyone. I much prefer the old school dating method I just feel like I have to show I'm dating material if I meet someone online.
I'm a bloke in a dead end town with an ever dwindling social circle because all my friends are either settled down or moved on so only place I'm likely to meet anyone is the gym lol. Yeah I'm making that move shortly but tbh I would probably just get drowned out with the higher volume of guys in a city lol.
You want me to fall in love with you based on how well you can act out your Instagram fantasy-you. It's all FAKE. It's so much a performative game where everyone is judging everyone based on who plays the game the best. It's awful. Considering how bizarrely unappealing the fakeness is, this actually works well for elimination. It's the honestly awkward ones that have any potential left. You put the last line in quotation marks, is that attributed to someone or something else?
I love it. Oy, here even? WarGames was an 80s movie where a forgotten AI running in a nuclear war facility was accidentally contacted by a hacker kid who played games with it, which went hella sideways. Skipping the spoiler stuff At the end, the AI remarked "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play. If you want to connect with anyone over 40 I suggest you watch it. In fact, I am simply myself. Hi, I guess we just have different opinions.
I guess what I mean is it just happens more naturally, rather than having to "apply" for dating apps and go on first date "interviews". It could have just been my experience of course! Like I said the perk of dating apps is that you meet a whole lots of people that you would not otherwise meet in real life. But I dated someone irl long term, whom I saw on dating app after that and I was sure I would have swiped left on him if we didn't meet at work first :.
Everyone I have dated after meeting in real life has never come from knowing them for a while and then deciding I wanted to date them. It is easier to get a read on someone in person vs. That's just not something you get with OLD. Also, meeting organically doesn't necessarily rush things since you're now in each other's orbit once you meet. With OLD, you gotta work hard to "close the deal" so to speak almost immediately or your window of opportunity closes. I think that's my main problem with the apps and even with dating in general, rather than meeting people in the wild.
I don't feel like I generally get to know much of anyone. Like, I love to travel, just wander around foreign lands, meet cool people, do some snorkelling, head into the jungle, try crazy foods, see if I can pick up some of the language etc. People see those things on my profile, more or less, and then go "ooh, I like travelling too, city trips and such We should do a city trip to Paris sometime!
No dude, if you had taken the time to actually get to know me, you would know that taking a city trip to Paris is about as far away from my idea of fun as you could possibly get. Or I tell them things, and instead of actually listening, they just project their assumptions onto me.
Like they find out I was in a long-distance relationship for 2 years. Then they go: "that must be hard". I go: "no, it actually worked really well for me, just a shame that it ended". Then they go: "well, yeah, things like those never last, at some point you have to move in with each other". And I'm like "No, that wasn't the plan, and that also had nothing to do with why it ended".
Or they find out I've been in open relationships so they assume I must have wanted to sleep around a lot. In short: instead of asking me what my experience was with whatever thing we're talking about, they'll tell me how I must have felt.
How are you ever supposed to get to know someone like that? Good insight. As for the open relationship thing, just that you are into it implies you want to have sex with others and the "a lot" part isn't relevant to whoever you tell that to.
It doesn't even imply that, though. Because I really don't, for me it's never been about the sex, and in 4 years in 2 open relationships, I've only ever had one sexual experience not even full-on sex with someone other than my partner at the time. I also don't necessarily need an open relationship, I could go either way, but I do like the mindset that generally comes with it.
They take the "a lot" as a very relevant assumption, though, because they assume I must want to sleep with a lot of men, and therefore by extension also with them. They also assume some extent of promiscuity and other personality and lifestyle traits that don't in any way match reality. I don't generally say I want an open relationship, by the way, it just comes up sometimes that some of my previous relationships were, in fact, open relationships.
In my experience, they also don't bow out, they want in, because if I'm into open relationships that just means I want to fuck anyone and I have no standards, right, so I should be an easy lay. And I won't get upset if they then sleep with a bunch of other women either, so double win. The way this came up with my last ex was we were talking as friends in a bar I was still completely not interested in him at this point , and we're talking about dating and he mentioned he didn't believe in relationships and in having one person who has to meet all your needs, and I mentioned my first ex, who's now in a very happy open marriage, been together for over 10 years, and he was like: "Hmm, maybe I could do something like that", and a few months later we ended up in a theoretically open relationship which neither of us really put into practice.
But you're pretty much proving my point: there's a lot of assumptions that don't really match reality at all, and in online dating that's much more of an issue than in real life, where you can provide context and these things might come up naturally in conversation rather than being specifically asked about in a job interview-like setting. People fill in the blanks to protect themselves just in case you don't meet the idealized version they created of you in their head.
I'm really sorry that people assume your experience that way. That's exactly it. Being idealized is also exhausting. Because they're not seeing who you actually are, it's a bit like shouting at a brick wall. I think it's easier to make a connection in the wild, and to judge people's reactions.
There's generally more context, and from my face, people would be able to tell that I strongly disagree with their assumptions and that they should tread lightly :. In the wild, there will generally be more contextual things to talk about before this stuff comes up, too, so people will generally have a bit of a better idea of who I am and won't make as many assumptions. Now they see my photos and my profile and in their head they've already built this whole image of who they think I am, and then they try to make me fit that idea, rather than building the idea based on what they get from me.
If you get talking to someone in a bar, you probably know literally nothing about them, so there's no preconceived notions of who they are, and you can actually get to know them. I do, it just feels forced through dating without having any previous knowledge of the other person. I feel the same and I told my friend who didn't get it at all. I tried to explain that sometimes it feels like a chore, even though I really want to meet someone.
I think I always have this idea at the back of my mind that it won't work out and I'll have put all this effort into getting to know someone for nothing. I have social anxiety and meeting new people is a big deal for me anyway, and when I meet someone I'm interested in this increases my anxiety even more. If I could meet someone who I like and the feeling is mutual but then skip time forward by a few weeks or a couple of months, that would be great.
Do they though? Not everyone. Some people love it, they love meeting people and the thrill of getting to know someone they fancy. Online dating is very unnatural, I hate it too. Developing something over time in person would be great, unfortunately I never meet men that way. Where I live, certain types of men gravitate towards OLD, which becomes overpopulated with them, such as poly for example.
Yet I almost rarely meet poly men in real life. No, they're not the same people you meet IRL. Online dating exposes you to quantity, not quality. Plus the argument can be made that the quality people are not on dating apps because they don't need to be. I often said I was wasting my time on apps because a guy for me wouldn't like them either and is probably not even on there.
So I don't really feel like I'm missing out now that I stopped. From the other side I've also ran into my fair share of champions lol but no I don't think you are either. Yeah, I'm sure there are plenty of not so great women on there too. I knew I was overstaying my welcome anyway when a bunch of guys who'd been on there the same amount of time as me would message saying I must be a slut or crazy for still not finding someone, just because I'm attractive.
It was clear why they hadn't met anyone lol, but I certainly don't need to expose myself to such negativity! This is exactly me. I have found that a man who's a good fit for me is someone who's not on apps. So I don't feel like I'm missing out when I'm not on apps. If anything, I see myself as saving the trouble. IRL is mostly arbitrary in quality. It's literally anyone who needed a job somewhere, bothered to shop somewhere, or such. Exactly what I'm finding -plenty of women looking for no strings or have no time for dating in general, even though I say I'm not looking for the former I still get plenty just looking for hookups under the guise of something serious I.
I guess they're all just projecting, assuming everyone else is dishonest too. These are grown adults! That's totally fair. My two worst relationships were also with men I met in real life! That doesn't change how I personally feel about dating apps, though. We simply aren't compatible. Every relationship I've been in that's stemmed from organic, irl interactions has been leaps and bounds better than anything I've ever found online.
Is Bumble worth it? I was thinking of signing up for eHarmony but, in the past, seemed mostly military guys on it that were a distance away or they were the bulk of my matches, anyway. There's no great advantage to using paid services, in fact, there's less people using them and they're usually on the free apps too. I've had a lot of success with it, but don't pay for it. I think it helps that I'm an attractive, successful woman.
An acquaintance of mine met her husband on EHarmony, so My last long term relationship actually occurred by meeting randomly through a mutual friend. Now this was my only non-OLD relationship meeting in the last 10 years, so I certainly don't think it's common. I've also had great connections and relationships with women I've met online, so I actually don't think there's really much of a difference. In the end, the way you meet each other is the only difference, and getting to know each other is the same process regardless.
I respectfully disagree. While it's certainly possible to have a connection and relationship off a dating app I'm not disputing that , the process is vastly different. Same freaking boat here, friend. It's a stiff, awkward thing held over from the 50's, or something. But you don't have to play by those rules. Fuck the police, this is romance, do what makes you happy. If this all feels fake and just not worth it then stop, focus your energy on what you want to do.
Do what makes you feel happy and fun and people will want in on the action. They'll be attracted to your best side and suddenly it's not dating anymore, it's adventure. So interesting! My experience is the opposite. We seemed to have a lot in common based on our profiles and questions answered so I decided to give it a chance anyways. Just curious, how does the guy friend ask you out after being friends for a long time?
Or how would you prefer being asked out? I used to relate much more, but over the years I've sharpened my intuition for who I will and won't click with on dating apps. Now my average first date experience is way better. In fact, I had the best first "date" of my life over video chat a couple months ago. It was obvious right away that we were on the same wavelength.
We chatted and joked around like we already knew each other. I agree that the overall dating world is pretty sucky, but I can't deny that my experience has improved a lot over time. This is the problem with OLD. It's backwards. You meet someone trying to force a relationship, when in literally no other aspect of your life you do that!
I have great friendships because I've organically chosen people I like after a certain amount of time. I don't interview for friends?? There's so much pressure with dating because you both know why you're there and you're trying to make something happen that is supposed to happen organically. It's crazy. I read a post in this sub today where the woman was being shamed for not sleeping with a guy after 2 dates talking for more weeks in quarantine, but only 2 live meetings.
Meanwhile, some ex boyfriends I've had, started as friends and by definition I did not sleep with for months or years after meeting them for the first time. And then once mutual interest was established, things were more comfortable for moving more quickly. But then people expect meetings through OLD to be treated the same.
Intimacy by the n th date is a completely different thing with a stranger as opposed to a long term friend or even acquaintance. And yet there is so much pressure to piss or get off the pot with OLD and people come out saying what did you expect, making him wait that long? Im similar! Spent most of my 20s in a serious relationship that i ended last fall.
Dating again has been weird. I ended up seeing a therapist for about a month, which was helpful. Has gotten me to take some healthy approaches to dating and keeping myself in check. It can all be pretty exhausting, starting from scratch. I dont really have any advice, but am happy to chitchat and swap stories. It's similar in other areas of life. I absolutely hate searching for a place in a shared appartment, it's a huge pain in the butt, but I absolutely want to live in a shared place with roommates, so it's a must.
And sometimes you have to go on a lot of those dates. But then you have that surprise date where the chemistry is just there and it flows really well. Some people enjoy it. It's like a hobby for them. For the rest of us, you learn to tolerate it in hopes that it will eventually have been worth doing, and try not to stress too much about it. Lots of folks are definitely gonna relate. I don't think I would enjoy a dateinterview.
Stupid need for emotional and physical contact. We all want that. Although it definitely does happen! I find it overwhelming. I spent a few years single by choice, after a divorce and being married most of my adult life. I wanted freedom and I wanted solitude, I wanted to better myself and experience life on my own terms. Every time I sign up to an app, the amount of people who want to talk to me is overwhelming, messages, dates, pictures.
I know, other people will say: lucky you! I want an organic relationship, a want a friend then a partner. Why not try just using the swipe-based apps, where you have to match before you message, if you are overwhelmed at the moment? Do many men ask you out? I meant I get lots of men asking me out. It gets overwhelming to pick who I want to get to know better. It feel like a chore and I am new to this. I agree. Like a forced meeting to see if we like each other. I was hoping to naturally meet someone from a shared interest or something.
It really sucks. I hope we both meet someone along the way and never have to worry about any of this ever again. You are lucky that you found someone and felt a really strong connection. Life is long and dating in your 30s can be really frustrating but it's okay you'll find someone. Ever thought of joining group activities which have you mingle with others? Group sports, book clubs ect.
Personally, as a guy, I feel like online dating has people with such incredibly high standards that if the conversation doesn't spark within the first few messages, then they just move on to the next match. I totally agree with meeting people the natural way, but we still need to put ourselves out there. I'm totally cool with group activities, I just don't like dating until I already feel a spark. I find it dull and forced. After I got to know someone enough for me to know there's a spark or at least the potential for it, then I'll enjoy dating them.
True, but it's either meeting others though friends or maybe at work and work doesn't always work out well. Regardless, we have put ourselves out there like we did before the internet on our phones And that's easier said than done. Don't be scared by the naysayers who insist that OLD is the only way to meet anyone these days.
People managed to meet people and procreate in the thousands of years before dating apps. Even now I know a lot of people who decided OLD isn't for them and who managed to meet someone offline at random events. You'll meet people so long as you leave the house once in a while; I've managed to meet friends while doing groceries and I'm not even an extrovert. It's not even a problem if you are a homebody -- I've read on here some people met their SO while online through forums or even gaming.
I know we are in a pandemic right now and it's not great for dating, but hell, I've even read about how peoples' grandparents met during a war or found love even in freaking concentration camps. So don't lose hope :. I also dislike the artifice of apps; even if it's someone I'm compatible with, the lack of social context and the script of it all might put me off someone.
It increases of the odds of finding a relationship but it doesn't guarantee a good connection, unless you're just looking for someone who checks all the boxes and fills a certain role in your life. If you're someone who prefers solitude to mediocre company anyways, I wouldn't spend excessive amounts of time with OLD -- just go about your daily life and do what you enjoy: take classes, pursue hobbies, meet people and friends who can introduce you to more people, travel, and go from there.
This is a common feeling, but it seems like you also haven't experienced the excitement and anticipation of getting to know someone you really like. Just take things slow and don't settle for something just to have something. Wait for the right fit. Sometimes, it works out well! Some people you'll click with right away. I think you just need to change your mindset a bit. Instead of focusing on it like a job interview, just have fun and give it a shot without taking it too seriously too quickly.
That way, if you find red flags or deal breakers, its not a big deal to move on. Of course, be open to it working out well, just don't put too much pressure on it when you're getting to know someone. Also, try to be comfortable with being single and the pros of your current situation. Being single is a lot better than being in a toxic relationship. There is no general advice for everyone.
But what I 36M do did , is to meet a new person. If the chat becomes a date, I go drink a beer or two, because it is fun to drink a beer or two. Also, there's company. I'll have conversations with my company, about me, about her, about the weather, the world, whatever.
It does not really matter if a second date comes from it, the outcome is not really important, since the investment is not really there yet. I never intentionally go for a kiss on the first date. It removes the pressure. If it happens, fine, I'll go with the flow.
I relate to you and I fucking hate it. But sometimes it feels like a tide I cannot rush against. I hate it with passion. Neurologically, platonic love is significantly different from romantic love. Parental love is much closer to the latter. There's the other obvious. Ever notice men act very differently around their guy friends or even just random other guys than they're allowed to around women?
When men play games, we play games. Women tend to "socialize" as a game, and there's special unilateral rules in mixed company, which just suck forever. It sounds like you just hate OLD, so just avoid it. In my thirties I've had relationships from meeting peoe through hobbies and through OLDs.
Just keep meeting folks IRL if that's your preference. That's why I don't do online dating. It's all very stressful really. Gotta bring your A game for an hr date and everything matters. You make one little mistake and it's all over. Of course online has the problem of way too many choices. It really reminds me of recruiting for MMO guilds. There is thousands of them and you have to make a way to stand out.
If you can't do that, don't even bother. I would rather meet someone from a common interest. Even if that happens to be something online. Seems much easier for me that way. I could have written this post. This is all to say- I understand exactly how you feel and can empathize. I gave up. It's such a waste of time and energy I've got better things to do than tossing stupid catchphrase back and forth with a stranger. Now we ask someone out, meet them, try to get to know them and decide if we like them after one short date.
Yup, all of that. Down to the relationship throughout my twenties and then 18 months and now being single again. Except the meeting someone casually and being asked out on a date, no one has done that, I don't think. If I meet them casually and we get along, then we just keep meeting until something happens and we take it from there, or it doesn't happen and then we stay friends.
Luckily no one I've met in the wild has suggested anything as ridiculous as formalizing that process by actually calling it "going on a date". I would run I often think about this line that I read in my profile after taking one of those Myers Briggs tests which I thought was going to be bullshit, but I ended up relating to it a lot, it expressed a lot of things about me in a much clearer way than I ever managed to myself , it said: "In the dating phase, if [my type] can be said to tolerate such a formal process to begin with, The thing is, I can barely tolerate it, it drives me up the wall, it's so formal and tedious and exactly like a job interview.
And I'm good at job interviews, I used to even enjoy them, to some extent, I am very sociable and I like talking to people and all that, but it gets so. It's not that I need things to develop slowly, because I've met people in the wild and things developed really, really quickly, but I need them to develop naturally, and I need people to just be normal and treat me like a normal person instead of like their potential future wife that they need to find out as much about in as short a time as possible, to see if she wants exactly the same number of kids and where she sees herself in five years and Just thinking about it makes me want to run, I find it all so limiting.
I do feel like it's a bit location-bound as well, with the apps, while travelling I do a lot better meeting people in real life, but also on the apps, and any dates tend to be a lot more casual and fun, so maybe my main issue is the crowd rather than the apps and dating itself. Or more likely it's both. It sounds more like it's your mindset than anything else.
Maybe try looking at dates from the same perspective as you do whole traveling. Take the more casual approach and just focus on having a good time instead of worrying about whether or not something more will come of it. Things don't have to end in marriage or even with a second date for you to have a good time. I feel like that's the problem a lot of the people who see OLD as a series of job interviews have, that they're taking it too seriously an not using the same approach that they would meeting someone more "organically".
It's possible to slowly get to know someone you meet online the same way you would have meeting in life. If the other person tries to push things faster than you want to go then they're not a good match for you and you move on. That's exactly my point, I do take a casual approach and don't expect anything of the people I meet other than maybe a nice conversation, and when I actually go out with people which I haven't done much now because of the whole corona thing we generally have a nice time just talking as friends, but then nothing comes of it, and that's fine too, it was still a nice walk or a nice dinner before corona or whatever, I don't need dates to lead anywhere in order for them to be fun.
But to find one that can act like a normal person long enough for me to want to actually meet them, I have to sit through roughly a million interrogations by guys who put me on a pedestal or try to fit me into the idea they've created of their perfect mate or who want to know "what I'm looking for" or "why I'm on the apps" and just ugh My approach when meeting people organically is I talk to literally anyone and everyone, about anything, and I make friends very easily and quickly. If you do that on the apps and I do I guess that's just a lot less likely to happen when meeting people organically, because you're already in a bar that you both like or doing an activity that you both like, or in a store getting annoyed about the same line moving very slowly, so people don't need to resort to these forced interview-style questions to keep a bit of a conversation going, and there's also no pressure for it to go anywhere, no expectations.
I recently matched a guy that had superliked me red flag number one, but whatever, I failed to ignore it this time , took me a while to realize that this was the same dude I had matched with years earlier who kept talking to me on a regular basis for over 6 months, without me every replying after the initial conversation that made it clear this was not going to work out.
I decided to take a different approach this time, and to tell him very directly that it wasn't going to work out. So when he asked "not up for getting to know sometime? If it goes well I'd like to do a little city trip together some time I'm allergic to diminutives I said "I'm afraid not, this isn't going to work out. He then went "How so? You've already decided this? I'm quite normal in real life, you know :. Have to give it a chance shrugging smiley Like we could get ice cream and walk along the docks".
And then he asked me "Hmm. What are you looking for then? Something serious, I assume? So I told him quite bluntly I was looking for someone who wouldn't ask me what I was looking for, who doesn't use diminutives, who doesn't refer to themselves as a "free bird" because they're single again, who owns up to what he says instead of adding "haha" or "if I may ask" or "sorry" after everything they say, who aren't looking for a "partner in crime" even more cringy in my language than it is in English etc.
He then said "auch" but not 3 sentences later went "I say we just meet up and then we'll know more". No, dude I entertained him for a bit longer, we ended up in something that remotely resembled a normal conversation, but then it was back to the "are you sure you don't want to meet up?
This was exactly a month ago, and I've since received 17 separate messages, some of which at 4. In real life, that just doesn't happen, I just don't end up in conversations with people like this, and I definitely don't risk ending up on a date with them, it just wouldn't happen. The closest thing I can think of is having a guy hit on you at a bar or a club when you're not interested, but it's generally pretty easy to get rid of them, and then you're still in a bar or in a club having a good time.
The only reason I'm still on the apps is because there's literally no other way of meeting anyone right now. I feel similar. I'm almost relieved when a match decides to NOT meet-up. Just the fact that the first meeting is always either coffee, a drink, a just a walk, kind of deflates it. I don't know what they look like or if they have a big deal breaker or just different goals in life. I can only stomach about OLD dates a year. Maybe I live in the wrong part of the city. I can definitely relate.
I 34f am single for the first time since I was My husband passed away in October. I like the idea of meeting guys and having someone to squeeze. While I'll always love my husband, I have a lot of life in me and I don't intend to spend it alone. I'm just over here like how the hell do you even start? I'm not a dating app kind of lady. But with NYC still on pause, it's not like I'm going out and meeting people spontaneously either.
So sorry for your loss! You sound really strong, though. Lots of love to you and good luck! I hope we both find someone along the way. I agree wholeheartedly, you're not alone in feeling like this. I tried a few OLD apps in the last year after being single for about 3 years, and I just hated everything about it, especially that feeling of being "interviewed" and judged. Why waste time pursuing someone just to find out later that they want kids and you don't, or that they have 15 cats and you're allergic, or that their idea of a good time is monthlong camping trips and you can't function as a human without two hot showers a day?
These are all the kinds of things you get out of the way immediately with online dating. You click certain boxes and look for others who clicked the same boxes, read profiles to determine who has a sense of humor and a modicum of intelligence versus those whose who think it's enough to say, "Just looking for some cool people to chill with," usually with a few misspellings.
Or you just swipe left or right, which is really what we're already doing in our minds anyway. I remember the first time I ever saw my first boyfriend: playing rhythm guitar on Metallica's "Am I Evil" in his band, wearing a Nirvana shirt and black Chuck Taylors, head of longish blonde hair in headbanger's stance, and I just knew.
It made for a great "how we met" story for the seven years we were together … even if it didn't last forever. Despite every piece of evidence to the contrary, and never mind that I'm not getting any younger, I'm still convinced deep down of my own happy ending, of my great sweeping "movie love," of eyes meeting across the room and an immediate sense of just knowing. And this is why I hate online dating: Not because of the "stigma" and not because it isn't practical, but because it feels so much like love brokering.
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PARAGRAPHMaybe the whole dating process brings hate dating negative feelings for you because of something traumatic in a bar I love love dating. Just take things slow and see if we like each. You meet someone trying to activities, I just don't like step toward an amazing dating. It hate dating all be pretty as saving the trouble. Not only that, but there enjoy a dateinterview. I think that's my main problem with the apps and have to match before you who I will and won't through a mutual friend. Then they go: "that must. As for the open relationship me it's never been about on dating app after that them, so there's no preconceived for someone who checks all few messages, then they just at work first :. I think it's easier to single by choice, after a is the only way to. Neurologically, platonic love is significantly romance, do what makes you.Is Dating This Unromantic For Everyone, Or Just Me? Shani Silver. Dating isn't happy fun times. It's not like the movies, it's not a fantasy. It's a disconnect mentally because finding love sounds amazing, Hollywood glitter all over it. How to Not Hate Dating. Take it easy, be happy alone. Chiara Atik. May 9,